Five Google-Whacking Ideas for Microsoft

Seeing as how it's a holiday weekend here in the United States—and so a somewhat slow news day—I am making some Google-killing suggestions for Microsoft's consideration. Surely, I can do no worse suggesting lame ideas for beating Google than Microsoft already has. So, without fanfare, I humbly offer five wacko ways Microsoft could increase search share against Google. The list is in no order of importance.

1. Pay customers to use Live Search. No. No. Not that cashback gimmick but real money for search. Microsoft could offer a nickel a query. According to ComScore, MSN/Live had 961 million search queries in April, down from 1 billion in March. Let's say the nickel-a-query scheme boosted MSN/Live search queries to 3 billion a month, that would be $150 million, perhaps $160 million when factoring in administrative costs.

Using Microsoft's original $44.6 billion offer for Yahoo as base, Microsoft could pay out $160 million a month for about 23 years before reaching the price it was willing to pay for Yahoo. Conceptually, Microsoft would catch Google long before then. Surely for as little as $5 billion cash, Microsoft could buy enough search queries to close the gap on Google within 18 months, perhaps sooner for a dime a query.

2. Google up celebrities and politicians with evil. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice just made the great Google pilgrimage. Google is the place to go to be cool by association. But how would Condoleezza feel if Google searches for her name brought up insulting keywords (I'll suggest none for gender and race reasons)? Surely Microsoft could manipulate the Google search results (it has been done before) and buy up obnoxious keywords.

Insulted politicians might be just a wee bit unfriendly to Google because of the search results. Meanwhile, Microsoft could stack up keyword niceties over at Live Search.

A reverse strategy could work for popular search terms like "Paris Hilton," making it so a Google contextual search would bring up links to videos of churchgoers. People looking for celebrity sex tapes surely wouldn't want to watch a church choir singing about the blood of Jesus.

3. Hire Carl Icahn to launch a proxy fight. The billionaire businessman has made a profession out of wedging shareholders against boards of directors. He's going after Yahoo, why not Google? Carl could argue that current management has driven Google into the ground. On Dec.26, Google shares traded for more than $710 a share. At time of writing this paragraph, Google shares traded for a measly $540.93, down $8.53. OMG! Only $540 a share? Carl could flame about billions in lost shareholder value.

The billionaire business-buster could seek a place on Google's board along with a couple of Microsoft insider cronies. They could influence strategy and gain access to corporate trade secrets. Yes, there are risks, like the possible violation of a couple dozen SEC rules. Details. Details. Desperate times call for desperate measures. No politician and judge whose name search on Google brings back the keyword "scumbag" is going to put Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer in prison because of a few puny SEC violations.

4. Hijack Google.com domain. This one would have to be a failsafe strategy—if all else fails. The Google.com domain expires in September 2011. Microsoft would need to bribe Google's administrator responsible for the domain to set the WHOIS information as private and then neglect to renew Google.com. Microsoft could use a service like SnapNames to procure Google.com and redirect traffic to Live.com.

Again, there are risks, and the plan would be tough to execute. But Microsoft would instantly jump to being No. 1 in search. It's a longer-term scheme but one with a big payoff.

5. Go back to the past and fix the problem. Microsoft Research should build something more useful than WorldWide Telescope. How about making a telescope that peers into the past? Better: A time machine. Then Robert Scoble would have something to really cry about. Send a Terminator chick into the past and have her become girlfriend to either, or both, Google co-founders. She could give them something more important to think about than math, and Google would never be.

Yes, there could be problems with time paradoxes and alternate universes. But surely googling Google into nothingness would be worth the risk.

Now my question to readers: What would you suggest Microsoft should do to catch up with Google? Be serious or be lame, whichever you prefer. Comments are open for your suggestions.